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Brown unveils new 'veal students' plan

The government is considering a radical rethink of further education that would enable poorer students to study for a degree with no fees as long as they agree to spend the duration of the course living in a 4-foot crate on a liquid diet low in iron and roughage.

Since removing the right to a free education more than a decade ago the government has struggled in recent years to find new ways to ruin the prospects of working class students but commentators agree that they've pulled a rabbit out of the hat with their new plans.

They do concede that raising students in the dark with a limited diet may lead to an increase in the number of Goths but this is deemed to be an acceptable risk when viewed alongside the benefits.

Bank scrappage scheme enormous success

The government's scrappage scheme has been hailed by banks as a huge success. Banks across the country are queuing up to scrap as many staff members as possible to cash in on the initiative.

Lloyds TSB have managed to lead the way in the take-up of the scheme, managing to trade in a clapped out Nissan HBOS for a whopping £260bn. "I was well chuffed" said Chief Executive Eric Daniels, "I only paid a tenner for it and it was a right heap. There's been a stubborn smell of piss coming from the back seat and it was really just taking up space on the drive."

Eric did however have to pay for the removal of a bumper sticker that read 'My other bank is also a tax dodge.'.

There are concerns however that less scrupulous executive may attempt to take advantage of the scheme by trying to pass off stolen banks as their own in order claim under the scheme. Police have warned the public to be careful where they leave their banks and to make sure no valuables are left in them.

Prick Asked To Return £16m To Taxpayer Politely Declines

A rich, privileged and reckless cock monkey was asked nicely by the government this week if he wouldn't mind handing back £16 million in tax payer's money that he had received under false pretenses. To the amazement of all concerned the smug shit replied that he'd "probably hang on to it, thanks very much for asking".

In a period when large percentages of the population are reduced to becoming drug mules or part with treasured organs in order to raise the money to buy beans it's heartwarming to know that one of the people who reduced us to this will be living on at least £650,000 a year for the rest of their lives.

Because nothing warms the heart like a few gallons of bile surging up your oesophagus.