Prick Asked To Return £16m To Taxpayer Politely Declines

A rich, privileged and reckless cock monkey was asked nicely by the government this week if he wouldn't mind handing back £16 million in tax payer's money that he had received under false pretenses. To the amazement of all concerned the smug shit replied that he'd "probably hang on to it, thanks very much for asking".

In a period when large percentages of the population are reduced to becoming drug mules or part with treasured organs in order to raise the money to buy beans it's heartwarming to know that one of the people who reduced us to this will be living on at least £650,000 a year for the rest of their lives.

Because nothing warms the heart like a few gallons of bile surging up your oesophagus.

Brown Plans Kidney Privatisation

Recently unveiled government plans to part privatise voter's primary organs have come under heavy fire this evening. Brown is facing possible back bench rebellion and vocal opposition from both sides of the house.

The PM maintains that involving corporate interests in the processing of bodily fluids will boost efficency and finally realise the long held dream of enabling the average citizen to shit ice-cream.

The plans, which would see 30% of all public organs outsourced to the private sector, have raised concerns that we're going to be having our arses wiped by Capita come 2012. Union leaders have organised protests across the country, with their rallying cry of 'Gordon Get your hands off our Organs!'.

Mr Brown has defended the controversial plans, "What people fail to realise is that we have to embrace the realities of modern socialism. Socialism is now less about building fairer societies and more about screwing the taxpayer for every penny then spending it on chips."

"Besides, I can't see what the fuss is about. This is merely an extension of existing policy. We've been taking the piss out of the public for years already and no-one complained."

Market segmentation

I work in an industry where I have to spend a lot of time listening to marketing bullshit. One thing that I usually gnaw off my own feet to avoid talking about is market segmentation. But then I thought maybe there are some market segments that I can identify that no-one else has discovered. I'm going to drop a few of these in every so often until I start to bore even myself.

• What proportion of monopeds refuse to wear clogs as the hollow clocking noise reminds them of their encroaching mortality?
• How many Bulemics eat Campbells Meatballs for their inherent emetic properties?
• What percentage of Big Brother viewers bite their own toenails?
• How many banking bosses can skip their bonuses this year and still afford to buy the Isle of Wight.
• How many Marmite purchasers would happily lick a dog's anus for a tenner?