Brown Plans Kidney Privatisation

Recently unveiled government plans to part privatise voter's primary organs have come under heavy fire this evening. Brown is facing possible back bench rebellion and vocal opposition from both sides of the house.

The PM maintains that involving corporate interests in the processing of bodily fluids will boost efficency and finally realise the long held dream of enabling the average citizen to shit ice-cream.

The plans, which would see 30% of all public organs outsourced to the private sector, have raised concerns that we're going to be having our arses wiped by Capita come 2012. Union leaders have organised protests across the country, with their rallying cry of 'Gordon Get your hands off our Organs!'.

Mr Brown has defended the controversial plans, "What people fail to realise is that we have to embrace the realities of modern socialism. Socialism is now less about building fairer societies and more about screwing the taxpayer for every penny then spending it on chips."

"Besides, I can't see what the fuss is about. This is merely an extension of existing policy. We've been taking the piss out of the public for years already and no-one complained."

Your taxes at work

There are people that claim that MEP's are pointless. That nothing they do or decide will help make our lives better, easier or safer. How wrong they are - some MEP's may be like that but thankfully the people have a champion in Europe. His name is Chris Davies and he bestrides the European Parliament like a grinning colossus.

Chris isn't afraid to tackle the big issues and doesn't flinch from controversy. He's taking action right now that may change your lives FOREVER. We are talking ladies and gentlemen about the thorny matter of cucumber packaging.

Yes, I know you're shocked - I was too at first - but this is something we mustn't be afraid to discuss openly and frankly. For too long, cucumbers have been wrapped to excess, while other fresh produce is left to go without.

Chris is fighting day and night to end this travesty. It's worth pointing out that vegetable packaging inequality is higher under Labour than it ever has been. I bought a a butternut squash the other day that was completely naked!

Rest assured that Chris is fighting your corner, One shopper said:

"It is just a hassle having to take the plastic off the cucumber. It is tricky to do and I usually end up cutting the cucumber, my finger or both!"

You see? How long could you let this kind of suffering go on. Oh yes, Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib catch all the headlines but meanwhile the real injustice is going on daily in our homes!

Hopefully this will silence those cynical critics that suggest MEP's are all hopeless simpletons that couldn't get elected as proper MP's. This is politics at the sharp end people, it's not glamorous it's not pretty but somebody has to do it.

Mel Gibson Apologises

"Please know from my heart I am not a bigot. Hatred of any kind goes against my faith."

The 50-year-old issued an apology for anyone that may have been offended.

The actor, best known for his portrayal of an emotionally unstable cop in Lethal Weapon, made a number of films he now admits were "vitriolic and harmful" and would never have happened if not for "a horrific relapse in my battle with alcohol."

He conceded that he had offended the English community and asked them to help him on his "journey through recovery".

"I disgraced myself and my family with my behaviour and for that I am truly sorry." He said. "I apologize for any behaviour unbecoming of me in my inebriated state and have already taken necessary steps to ensure my return to health. There will not be a Braveheart 2."

Gibson categorically denied that his latest project, Fatherland, a film about how the heroic Adolf Hitler tried to stem the tide of evil baby-eating English during World War 2, was in any way offensive.

"If people don't like it, then tough. I have a very big oven." He added.