Most people agree London looks better with bits of it on fire

Speaking after violent clashes between students and police in London last night, the Chief of Police said: 'I think while most people watching this will agree that while London does look much better with bits of it on fire, the unrest caused by these unruly savages does rather detract from the serious work the metropolitan police force should be carrying out, such as incarcerating swarthy men who smell of garlic and clubbing random civilians to the pavement.'

'Having said that though, hitting students is mint. My men haven't had this much fun since the fox hunting protests.'

'I've bagged a Tabatha and two Geoffreys,' a passing sergeant informed us. 'One of my constables got a D'arcy. A D'arcy, can you fucking believe it? Lucky bugger.'

A Liberal Democrat who did not wish to be named told us that it was 'only right and proper' that while government is voting to 'completely buttfuck the future generation into the frozen earth' they should look out of the window and see stuff on fire.

'I'm going home to toast a slice of brioche on high setting in support of the protests,' he said, 'and this time I will not jump in before it pings.'

Students Slam Lando over Carbonite Betrayal

Lando Clegg: This is a coalition and compromises have to be made

Lando Calrissian has been forced to defend his stance over the freezing in carbonite of old friend Han Solo. Having previously given assurances that this was the last thing he would do, he is now under fire for performing a dramatic u-turn.

Terry Fett, a graduate in Bacta studies said "I was lucky enough to go to Cloud City when it was free, if I was going to go now I think this would put me off".

The sense of betrayal is quite palpable, one current Cloud City resident saying "This is exactly the kind of thing he promised he wouldn't do." When asked about the role that Darth Vader has played in the current plans he responded "Well yes, it's also down to Vader but then I didn't vote for him".

Brown unveils new 'veal students' plan

The government is considering a radical rethink of further education that would enable poorer students to study for a degree with no fees as long as they agree to spend the duration of the course living in a 4-foot crate on a liquid diet low in iron and roughage.

Since removing the right to a free education more than a decade ago the government has struggled in recent years to find new ways to ruin the prospects of working class students but commentators agree that they've pulled a rabbit out of the hat with their new plans.

They do concede that raising students in the dark with a limited diet may lead to an increase in the number of Goths but this is deemed to be an acceptable risk when viewed alongside the benefits.